I was born to a family of 4 sisiters and a brother, me being the youngest. But when I turned 12 years old I got the shocking news that my parents weren’t really so, they were actually my grandparents. It was my biological mother, that all those years I thought as my oldest sister, that woke me up one morning to tell me she was my “real” mother. I cried, but for so many years everything remained the same, she was married with no kids and my life continued as usual, living with my grandparents, with the difference I had this new knowledge of her being my birth mom, even though I still love and see my grandparents as my real parents, that has never changed. My biological mother later on, when I was 18, adopted a 3 year old kid because she couldn’t have more kids, this kid has been just trouble, he has all the problems a kid could have (adhd, borderline inteligence, he lies and steal things and money from everyone, including family, etc). Another fact is that when she applied for adoption she didn’t mentioned she had a biological child, maybe by fear of being denied.
The thing now is I am 35 years old, I have my own family and live here in the states, away from my family, but I still can’t feel a real bond with my biological mom, I know she wishes I call her mom, but it is just doesn’t feel natural. My grandma now is 70 years old and she is bedridden, ill, and has dementia or alzaheimer’s, so she barely recognized me when I visited my country last year, so emotionally for me she is gone, she is not present anymore, we can’t even talk over the phone and that breaks my heart. We never had a great relationship but I know she loved me and I love her with all my heart. My biological mom wasn’t there emotionally when I grew up, maybe I don’t remember but I don’t have strong memories of her being a “mom” with me, the reasons why she gave me in adoption to my grandparents are because she was a single mom at 19 and was forced my grandpa to do so who was very strict, but I know he is not the solely responsible of this situation.
I don’t know why but this last mother’s day was sad for me, I didn’t even called my biological mom to say happy mother’s day, because I just didn’t feel like it, I never had really felt like it but i just did it to make her feel good. I know she feels bad about it, the only thing I did was to post on her FB wall “have a nice day Tere, and that Pab (her son) can spend time with you” I didn’t really wanted to write on her wall, I did it moved by guilt but then I regreted because she then answered saying “it’s a joke, right?” so then I removed the post.
Anyway, I am just tired of pretending, I feel just frustrated, I never spoke my mind when all this thing happened, I feel kinda guily for her misfortune (she also got divorced a year ago) and feel like she is the victim but she is not really a victim,but I don’t want to put myself as a victim either. I now just feel glad that I live so far away from my family, I never felt they ever tried to understand me, I was the youngest and developed bad temper, but instead of trying to understand me I was just ignored and misjudged by everyone. I feel bad because I can’t love my biological mom as my real mom, I feel obligated to make an effort to make her feel loved the way she wants, but also I feel we have nothing in common at all. Am I so bad?
Home
